Compassion is an essential skill in creating an integrated life. My breakthrough, gut-level lesson in this came several years ago. I was into my second year post-divorce, both our kids were pretty upset. I was finishing up an intense personal growth program. It was time for my weekly call from my "coach" (a graduate of this program), and I was dreading having to confess that I had completely failed my assignment (something to do with approaching my father on a more open level, and I just couldn't muster the courage). I feared much disapproval over this failure, perhaps some form of punishment.
What he said was something like, "So you failed. So that's just something to explore and learn from. Don't beat yourself up, have compassion for yourself!" After the call I kept thinking about what he said. I remember lying on the floor, eyes closed, meditating on this mystery. I thought about my feelings of having failed as a wife and as a mother. And then I said out loud to myself, "You did the very best you could," and I reached up and stroked my cheek very gently. Then the tears erupted and I couldn't stop crying. I went through almost a full box of tissues. It may have been the first time I extended compassion and forgiveness to myself.
My kids turned out just fine - I'm very proud of them. My ex and I are good friends. Most important of all, I started the difficult process of learning to love myself. Through that process I become more and more able to give, to let go of old fears and let the love out to those around me. As I became more whole, my relationships also became more whole. It's what integration is all about.
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