More Than a Self

What is a "life" anyway, integrated or not? To step back a bit, all wholes are made of parts, and are themselves parts of even greater wholes. This is the structure of the universe. The creative process involves making structure, sometimes from old structure, sometimes from chaos. It reveals to us the interconnection of all things. What a system!

This entity I call myself is a structure created by my mind to serve as a kind of interface between what I perceive and experience, and the conscious awareness of those perceptions and experiences. This self is composed of many parts (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - not to mention all the many parts it acts out in dreams!). And it interacts with other selves to for larger wholes (family, friends, community, nation, world, etc.), which, of course, are themselves parts of wholes.

All this works exceptionally well, but when I identify with the structure (of self), and believe that is who/what/all that I am (which we all tend to do), I get caught up in fears over "my" end, worries over how successful "I" am, anger towards other selves who compete with "me" or threaten what is "mine."

This is suffering, what the Buddha called the First Noble Truth. Fortunately, this man kept on meditating until he found the solution. He realized there is a way out of suffering and set down a vaery practical plan for getting there. (He figured all this out around 2500 years ago, most of the rest of us are still struggling to understand and apply it!)

It is, actually, not complicated, just difficult. We began constructing this self in infancy. A lot of work has gone into the project, and much drama. The self is attached to the drama and to its own accomplishments, and is not about to stand for deconstruction, thank you!

So long as I identified with my "self" and believed that was all I was or could be, I was stuck. I saw the only alternative as nihilism, and in which case, there was no point to anything. I couldn't get past that belief.

And yet I did. But I had help. And this is the good news about suffering. When it gets intense enough, it is a powerful motivator. When someone I loved was dying, I reached the point of knowing there was nothing I could do about that. Further, I had to face the knowledge that I could not prevent my own death when it comes.

I was overwhelmed, and just gave up - all the effort, all the denial, all the hope. I let go into that nothingness I so feared. And then I experienced something - not nothing. I can't really say what, just that it was not what I had thought, there was a fullness, there was compassion, there was love, and I felt more than good about it.

The high lasted for months, then gradually faded. But I've known, ever since, that I don't "need" to "be" my "self."

Comments

[Fran Fisher]

HI Lynne, Yes, I relate. I jsut had another reminder of this "let go" business, when I was stuck in trying to figure out what my next future is going to looklike, since the door had just closed on my previous one. It was with the support of my coach that I decided to elt go of the struggle of figuring out and the associatied feelings of frustration and frea, and INSTEAD, just be inthepresent moment having "Powerful conversations," an notice what emerges. That's what I have been doing ever since andi it is working! More ease. more fun, less stress ANd it was the inspiration for my blog.
thanks, Fran