There is a counter movement that often comes just after I have pulled myself into that newer, more vital way of being, when I have succeeded in acting from that freer space to be who I am (but have never been before). The joy and excitement of that movement is followed by a dullness, a flat, tired grief for the person I am no longer and the life I can never again lead. And, of course, the guilt that I've left both that girl behind, and her mother, who couldn't follow me to this new place.
When my mother was dying, she asked me to wait for her. I assumed, given the confusion her mind was in at the time, that she had it backwards. She was the one doing the leaving, after all. But now I understand that I had already left her to become someone she couldn't understand anymore. I had already broken the old covenant that I would take care of her by letting her lead, and I continue to break it every time I move ahead into my own life. In that sense I must leave her behind, or break the greater law of all life. Just as my own children must do the same.
But in that moving ahead is the continuation of all life, past, present and future. For we are all linked together, regardless of intention or belief, and there is really no leaving behind and no being left. I can't explain this, I didn't believe it before. But now that the initial grief and guilt have worn off, along with the memory of a difficult transition with illness and dementia, the old force of her personality is coming back, almost as thought she had been away and has returned, to some degree, in every member of our family. There is no one who knew her well who was not influenced by her. She lives in me, and in all of us.
Part of an integrated life is understanding that no life stands alone. Part of who I am includes everyone who has ever influenced me. And my own life extends out into every person I have ever really touched and changed. It is a continuum.
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