An Integrated Life

Love the Inner Cry!

The feeling of longing, which I have so often tried to quiet with a glass of wine, piece of chocolate or a novel, is actually a healthy thing, I’ve come to realize.  It means I’m alive, and able to communicate to myself.  It’s like a baby letting us know something needs to happen by crying.  A baby that never cried might suffer pain, or get a bad diaper rash, or even become malnourished, and no one notice! 

Life is served by the voice that says, “Hey!  You need to take care of something here!”  Of course the challenge is to decipher the noise.  Baby’s needs are fairly simple to figure out.  (Though don’t ask a new mother about that!)

That inner cry may take years of investigation.  But there are clues.  When are the times it is quiet (from contentment, not fear)?  Mine is blissfully quiet whenever I’m in love.  It can be romantic love, or love for my kids, my grandkids, my friends, myself, my lilac or the peas lining up in the garden.

Being in love, loving sends all my focus on to the beloved (instead of my insecurities).  And suddenly (sound of magic wand), I’m so much bigger than I was. 
Love is expansive!

Being in love, I see the beauty everywhere. 
Love cuts through the crap, and celebrates the rest!

Love pulls me further from the tiny seed of conception, into relationship with another, with the world, with the universe!

So how do I go about “falling in love?”  No need.  It’s everywhere.  I just have to stop cutting myself off from loving.  It’s that simple.  (Just not easy.)

The Blessing of Mindfulness

I’m realizing how grateful I am for mindfulness. I can remember those times of stress when I simply could not meditate. I still labored under the notion that I had to have my mind still or it wasn’t “meditation.” But in addition, I would be so restless I couldn’t sit still for more than a few minutes unless I was reading. But I never quite gave up (though I often felt like a failure). I kept trying to just pay attention, not just to my breath, but to whatever else I was doing, from mowing the lawn to riding the exercise bike. Gradually I extended this awareness to my mental and emotional states as well. (This was trickier, as I really had to let go of more judgment than I ever thought I had!)

Suffering

At our Buddhist group (part of our Unitarian Universalist church) last night we discussed suffering. This was the Buddha's first Noble Truth, that incontrovertible fact of existence that gets our attention. It's actually good news. Just as pain causes us to let go of that hot pan we were going to pick up (I've done this!), suffering is an indication that something we are doing could be done differently. Because the second Truth is that there are actions that lead to suffering, the third Truth is that we don't have to go there, and the final Truth is, of course, the path that alleviates and gets us out of suffering. To be aware of suffering is to have the possibility of finding another way to live.

Compassion

Compassion is an essential skill in creating an integrated life. My breakthrough, gut-level lesson in this came several years ago. I was into my second year post-divorce, both our kids were pretty upset. I was finishing up an intense personal growth program. It was time for my weekly call from my "coach" (a graduate of this program), and I was dreading having to confess that I had completely failed my assignment (something to do with approaching my father on a more open level, and I just couldn't muster the courage). I feared much disapproval over this failure, perhaps some form of punishment.

What he said was something like, "So you failed. So that's just something to explore and learn from. Don't beat yourself up, have compassion for yourself!" After the call I kept thinking about what he said. I remember lying on the floor, eyes closed, meditating on this mystery. I thought about my feelings of having failed as a wife and as a mother. And then I said out loud to myself, "You did the very best you could," and I reached up and stroked my cheek very gently. Then the tears erupted and I couldn't stop crying. I went through almost a full box of tissues. It may have been the first time I extended compassion and forgiveness to myself.

My kids turned out just fine - I'm very proud of them. My ex and I are good friends. Most important of all, I started the difficult process of learning to love myself. Through that process I become more and more able to give, to let go of old fears and let the love out to those around me. As I became more whole, my relationships also became more whole. It's what integration is all about.

Integrating at all levels

I used to think integration was about pulling the parts of my own psyche together, recognizing and accepting shadow elements, etc. This is important, maybe prerequisite, but it's not all. Wholeness is not limited to whatever constitutes this "I" or ego or whatever constitutes my psyche. The "I" is, itself, part of a larger whole. When I start looking at close relationships, community, the world, and the need to integrate with all that, I get a little overwhelmed. I'm not sure how to proceed, except that, like the individual work, it will require awareness, mindfulness, clarity and the ability to be present to anything without denying or repressing any emotions.

I've always managed that larger sphere by keeping it at a distance, probably due to sensitivity, a little co-dependency and a difficulty trusting. I have learned to accept the sensitivity (without feeling guilty or inadequate because of it) and recognize the co-dependency so I can choose to not go there. Trust is harder, but learning to set and maintain boundaries helps a lot. I find the greatest support for all these tools is the experience of the spiritual truth of oneness. My own challenge is keeping this experience and understanding of oneness in awareness, and bringing it back when I forget and slip back into old habits.

Community Is Essential to an Integrated Life

Community is an important aspect of an integrated life. This may be a no-brainer to many, but for someone who grew up an only child, on a farm, in a tight-knit but fairly isolated family, this was a revelation! Becoming comfortable with others outside my immediate family & friends took me a while. I discovered the experience and the concept of community as something new, and so I have explored this phenomenon with true "beginner's mind."

Real community (not just a group of people) constitutes a safe place where we can learn to listen, to share, to be vulnerable, to be compassionate. It gives us an opportunity to grow and expand our understanding of ourselves and the world, to integrate ourselves into that world. I taught a class last year on conversing with a shared agreement to suspend judgment, express ourselves openly and honestly, and refrain from any agenda or expectations. We discussed questions that were deep and meaningful. All of us came away feeling we had grown in the process, as well as forming new bonds of intimacy.

I remember reading stories years ago of children raised without human contact who were unable to function as humans. And there was an account of a study that noticed a connection between survival of infants in an orphanage and whether someone (anyone) had picked them up and played with them. The connections between us are as essential to our humanity as the connections between the cells in our bodies are essential to our physical functioning.

Being Present as an Integral Practice

My mind still tries to con me when I use my meditation as a practice in being present. It jumps right in with things like, "What's the matter with you, you're not DOING anything! What good is a present that's empty? You're even trying not to think, for heaven's sake! This is such a waste of time, when you could be doing something useful or meaningful or interesting, at least."

I can stay on the surface and buy into this nonsense, or I can look a little deeper at the reality. The truth is that everything is here, whether I am "doing" something or not. First of all, you can't think about the present, because the minute you do, it's not the present anymore, it's the past. Of course, you can be thinking in the present, and you can think about an abstract concept called "the present," but that's not the real thing either.

But to go ahead and think about that concept, notice first of all that whatever is present is the sum total of all that has gone before. It contains all of the past, since it arises from all the past events. And even further, anything that might come in the future (for all that it's not real yet) will arise out of what happens now. So this present moment also contains the whole future. So the present, however mundane our minds might judge it to be, actually contains eternity! Further, every aspect of my being in this life is here. The body which is sitting, the mind which is considering, the spirit which is aware and knows more than my mind. This is an integral practice because nothing is not included. All of my being is integrated in this moment. How could anything possibly be more useful or meaningful or interesting?

Just sitting, being, observing, I am both participating in and conscious of what is, was, and ever will be. I am moved to awe and gratitude for such an opportunity. I embrace my beginner's mind and open on all levels to whatever I may learn.

Integral Trust

Trust is something without which we may survive, but cannot grow and thrive. Trust is involved in everything we do, integrally on all levels, from eating and breathing, to interacting with others, to enjoying our lives, to finding meaning.

Faith is a closely related concept. Because I have faith that my world is relatively stable (knowing the unexpected can and will occur at times), I can wake up in the morning trusting that I am still safe in bed, eat my breakfast trusting that the food will nourish me, and go on to do my work in the world, trusting that it matters, and trusting that I am able to make useful judgements. How well I function will depend largely on how much I am able to trust.

But where does this trust come from? Ideally, we will learn, as children, to rely on the adults around us. But for many this is not possible. Our world is changing ever more rapidly, our culture is, itself, dysfunctional, and many parents are frightened and unable to respond adequately (i.e., be responsible). More and more children lack a stable beginning in life.

Mindfulness

Integration is about bringing our insights into all aspects of our lives. This is a process of learning. The most useful tool I have ever come across for learning just about anything is mindfulness, a focused awareness in the present. This is what makes learning even possible, and can transform our worst mistakes into opportunities. I have seen this in my own life, as well as in experiences of family, friends and clients.

But getting to mindfulness is not just a matter of deciding to pay more attention. This mind/body is a creature of habit, and most of us are in the habit of auto-pilot. Changing any habit takes work and perseverance, i.e. PRACTICE. Meditation is the oldest and most effective way of building the habit of paying attention. Doing meditation, however, even 15 to 20 minutes a day, is a challenge, especially in our busy, fast-paced world.

Dealing with Difficult People

I have been doing much reading and thinking lately, and have much to share here. For starters, I came across this adaptation of an invocation from Tibet (pre-Buddhist) for dealing with difficult people.
"May all blessings flow to you. May self-knowledge flow to you. I reclaim the power you have taken from me, it is mine to take back, it is my right. May love and good fortune come to you now. As I speak now you are no longer a problem for me! Your difficult energy dissolves into wisdom. You regard me with respect."
One is instructed to repeat 3 or 9 times and use twice a day. Clapping the hands 3 times seals the invocation. This is from the book The Tibetan Art of Positive Thinking by Christopher Hansard.

I really like this little tool (used it with a client having relationship problems and my client loved it!). It takes a difficult situation that is causing me grief, and instead of focusing on my pain, it just gently reminds me I can just unhook, and it changes my anger and frustration into the positive energy of a blessing and a gift. The other person may never know, but this will ease my own suffering immensely!